Eve

Trauma anniversaries are a thing, and I hate that I can’t escape mine. It’s 3:25am. I’ve taken Benadryl and melatonin, my fan is on, my sleep mask is on, my weighted blanket is on - and I’m wide awake.

I’m staring at the black entertainment center. I always see the black entertainment center. I don’t remember where I bought it. Amazon? Walmart? Did I buy it in Ashland? No, it must have been Nicholasville.

I had just painted the wall. Painted the side table. Rearranged the couch. Mopped the floor. Dusted the black entertainment center. One of my last acts of turning a filthy house back into a home.

His knee was so heavy and hard that it felt like it had passed completely through my stomach and into the hard floor underneath. Every vertebrae was screaming. His arms shook. I couldn’t make a sound.

I don’t know when the ugly purple bruise formed on his underarm, but I associate it with the couch. I think it happened on the end nearest the window, and not the corner he would crush me into over and over again the next day.

I associate the bruise with panic. I think I was able to struggle on that end of the couch. Maybe my feet were on the floor? He had both hands around my neck, and I was flailing, desperate to breathe. I pinched as hard as I could. It took a long time for him to let go.

I don’t know what came next. I don’t know if the bruise was before or after the floor. I don’t know how many times I laid there with a knee in my gut, silently crying in agony. I don’t have a strong sense of being able to move at all on the floor.

I know I lost consciousness. Maybe many times. I was sweating. Shaky. Exhausted. The sunlight streamed in, bright and cheerful. It was a beautiful day, but fading fast. The first attack lasted a long time.

He butt dialed me and left a voicemail. “You’re running out of chances to leave!” I don’t know if I remember him saying it to me. I do remember him charging at me, pointing straight down in a rage, and screaming, “I will put you in the ground!”

September 2, 2024 is the day I count as my alive day.

But I had to survive September 1st to get there.