The Lightships

“I don’t know that this helps the metaphor at all, but until a couple years ago I was completely unaware of the existence of “light ships”, which are literally a portable lighthouse used in situations where they couldn’t build a lighthouse because the seas were too deep or the area was unsuitable. They have one docked at the Columbia River Maritime museum in Astoria. The idea that a mobile lighthouse could be used to warn of danger was pretty mind blowing to me.”

My friend Andrew saw one of my stories last April, and sent me this. And I’m not sure if I can find the words, but I’ll try.

I get a lump in my throat every time I read it, because I see so many faces. So many lightships.

The people who kept me alive.

There are so many beautiful souls in this world who have dedicated their lives to advocacy. Most of them had it chosen for them. I don’t mean to say that it came easily, or that it isn’t one of the greatest sacrifices a person can make.

I mean that they were lost in the dark before they became the light. They had something or someone taken from them. They watched their mothers being beaten senseless. Searched day and night for their daughters who had already slipped into heaven. Got the phone calls. The knocks at the door. The doctors entering the room with the news etched into their tired faces.

They’ve been swabbed for rape kits that would collect dust for years. They’ve opened their mouths in silent screams while hateful hands crushed their necks. They’ve called for help and help came bearing handcuffs.

And yet…they are everywhere.

In every deep sea.

In every unsuitable area.

Now, humor me: if we continue with the aquatic metaphors (please, let’s…written by the girl with coral and seaweed tattooed on one arm and a ship’s wheel and anchor on the other…), those of you who have never experienced abuse might have a light bulb moment.

Have you ever been to a beach?

Okay, now have you ever been to a beach on a Red Flag Day? A Red Flag Day means the rip current risk is high. And rip currents can overpower and outsmart even the strongest, most adept swimmers - even if they are familiar with this treacherous phenomenon.

Abusers choose victims from every walk of life. And it doesn’t matter how strong or smart or beautiful or wealthy or healthy you are - anyone can be a victim. Even if they are familiar with this treacherous phenomenon.

“Why didn’t she leave?”

Because she was being swept out to sea.

Even if she knew what was at work just below the surface, she couldn’t overpower it. And others couldn’t see it until she was in lethal danger, because rip currents do not pull people under the water - they drag them out to sea.

Many swimmers exhaust themselves by trying to swim directly against the flow of water.

And then they drown.

Not because they give up.

Not because they are weak.

Because they don’t give up, and they summon every last ounce of their strength trying to escape.

Do you know what to do if you’re being swept away by a rip current?

You prioritize your survival.

You don’t panic.

You don’t swim against the force.

You can try to float.

You can try to tread water.

You can try swimming at an angle, parallel to the beach.

None of these methods guarantee your survival. But your odds will be a lot fucking better. In a perfect world, anyone who dips a toe in coastal waters should know about rip currents.

But it’s not a perfect world.

We teach our young people that relationships take work, and that sometimes they will feel difficult, and that it’s a good practice to focus on what they can improve rather than making demands of a partner.

This advice, however well intended, will not keep you alive in an abusive relationship. But boy oh boy do abusers love to see you exhausting yourself as you summon every last ounce of your strength trying to find your way.

I poured everything I had into a filthy sea that wanted nothing more than to destroy me. When I finally realized I was going to die without help, I sent out an SOS call.

But not even that guarantees my survival.

I’m alive.

I’m out of the water.

But no one who responded had the guts to protect me or save anyone else.

There is no “Red Flag” warning, and another strong, adept swimmer is needlessly exhausting herself in that same filthy sea. She’s summoning every last ounce of strength to keep her head above water, but it’s much harder to swim with a baby in your arms.

Abusers know that all too well.

…

Fuck.

It’s so easy to get pulled into the darkness when I write these blogs. My ears are ringing again, I’m having flashbacks, and I’ve ruined any shot I had at sleeping tonight, but it’s worth it…

Because I want to be a lightship.

Mark. Bruce. Dottie. Kit. Bonnie. Eric. Steph. Chynna. Nichole. Joe. Jim. Tara. Casey. Gael. Darlene. Wendy. Alena. Sarah. Chris. Tracy. Bradley. Jim. Kimberly. Rachel.

Some were a pinprick when I had lost all hope.

Some have devoted countless hours and thousands of dollars to my protection and defense.

Some spend nearly every waking moment doing the work - traveling to any and every place they can reach with their lifesaving glow.

I don’t know exactly what it is I have to offer up, but I will do as much as I can, as often as I can, for anyone I can. After all, a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

…

If you or someone you love is swimming as hard as they can only to drift further away from shore, please look for the lightships.

I’m here, even when I’m not glowing very brightly, and I’ll do anything I can to help you get to safety and far, far away from that filthy sea.