Doorways, Eye Contact, Macaroni & Cheese

Doorways, Eye Contact, Macaroni & Cheese

What do these three things have in common? My abuser told me they were all an invitation to hurt me. That if I dared, he dared.

I couldn’t “block” doorways aka stand anywhere near an entrance/exit when he was angry. If I did, he would charge at me, pick me up and throw me, or push me into a corner and crush his forehead into mine. He blamed it on childhood trauma; being blocked into rooms and beaten.

I couldn’t make eye contact during conflict. Eye contact was a challenge. Something only an “alpha” could do. So if I looked him in the eye, I was telling him he could attack.

Once I had my back turned to him as I was heating up dinner for my daughter, and he crossed the room, wrestled the pan out of my hands, and dumped the macaroni & cheese everywhere. He said his childhood trauma involved people using pots and pans as weapons, so he thought I was going to attack him.

What else? Crossed arms. A raised voice. Disagreeing. Contradicting him in front of anyone. Taking a step toward him. Sitting down on the couch if he’d told me to stay away from him (he refused to go to another room when he was “tapped out”; I had to stay away from him, even in common spaces). Asking questions. Taking a shower before going to see Christmas lights.

Sighing.

One morning I woke up, and I let out a sigh.

“Already f’ing starting!”

It never ended. I tried to comply, but the rules changed. Because of course they did. He had to give himself permission to be the monster, the alpha, the winner. It was his world and I was just surviving it, all the while wondering what on earth I was getting wrong.

No one will tell you to file for divorce over “not being able to stand in doorways”, but let me tell you something - that’s exactly the sort of warning sign that you should be aware of.

Love isn’t quicksand. Marriage isn’t an escape room. Safety is not a man telling you to fix your face or else. That’s coercive control, and coercive control is a better indicator for murder than physical violence.